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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jesika lin's LiveJournal:

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    Monday, June 23rd, 2008
    5:37 pm
    when god gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD

    Read his blog and laugh for yourself. but dont look at the profile picture, you'll throw up in your mouth.
    Read some Achewood, for the love of god! best webcomic ever.
    Watch the PowerThirst video. Or number two!
    Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
    11:18 am
    revealing me
    the revealing me meme, pics of my apartment and the phenomenal mess i live in.

    Thursday, November 1st, 2007
    1:06 pm
    polar bear
    hi everybody... happy first of november :) sorry it has been a while, but i've been busy with work/boyfriend. seriously, i havent even logged on to WoW in two weeks! 7.50 down the drain, shawn pointed out, but i like to think of that 7.50 as money well spent keeping my characters safe and sound, waiting for me when i have time to play ^.^

    is that weird?

    so yes... its that time of year when those who work in retail feel the great creeping dread that is HOLIDAY. egads. i promised myself that i wouldnt be in the mall this year! my manager is freaking out so bad... its her first year managing a store for holiday... it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have the CONSTANT PRESSURE of her FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. i cant handle two months of that... hopefully she'll soon realize that we'll all do the best we can and well, hope for the best. all you can do is your best, thats what i tell myself a lot at work!

    so. anyways. i dont want to talk about work because it makes me mad... they told me they cant give me a raise... i know im worth more than $8... grrs. i dont want to talk about it. i dont think i can handle a job change right now, so im just going to stick it out until my life calms down a bit. if that ever happens.

    so ive been really focusing on my relationship with shawn lately, because that seems to be the only thing thats making sense right now, the only stable thing. and it has been going well. after me freaking out a bit about it, we finally started saying the "L word" to each other, which is awesome. sometimes its hard for me to believe that he loves me... but i have to stop myself from thinking those thoughts, which lead to the road of BADNESS. i dont want an unequal relationship like i had with jed, where i idolized him a little too much. its hard, when you love someone, when you think they're amazing... to not love them TOO much, you know? i have an obsessive personality. but i see a lot of flaws in shawn, and even though that sounds bad, it helps me to recognize them. of course i love him for them... does this make sense?

    but i do love the boy... he's constantly amazing. i seriously am hypnotized by his body... SERIOUSLY. if i could take naked pictures of him i would totally post them ;) its just that amazing. real people arent supposed to be that skinny and gorgeous! i mean holy shit, if you could see this boys back... and collarbone... and hips... DEAR GODS.

    i gush... im sorry ^.^

    what else... i watched all season 1 of lost. HOLY SHIT. its like the WoW of tv shows! i was like "fuck going to work, fuck seeing my bf, im just going to stay home and watch lost 24/7!" where to start?? john locke is a god among men! boone is sextastic and i was SO MAD that he died! i love sayid... of course i love charlie [if you only knew me in the days were misty and i constantly watched the LotR commentary, quoting along... we were tight with dom and billy]. hm. and oh! koreans! fuck yeah! i knew before seeing it that daniel dae kim was on the show, which i was excited about [i always support buffy and angel alum!]... little did i know that he does his entire part in korean! which is endlessly pleasing to me.

    um. oh! speaking of my dorkishness... im now the unofficial HR person at work, in charge of scheduling, interviewing and hiring [with approval from the store manager of course]. WOOT. its pretty awesome. its like a micro version of what i want to do professionally. two days ago i hired two girls, both of whom are awesome. one is black and the other is american indian. im pretty fucking overjoyed at being personally responisble for diversifying our store!! thats my dreams coming true :) after working there for two years of our staff being 100% white to now having three employees of color is pretty fucking amazing. *squee*

    all this excitement has really got me riled up to go back to school. hopefully in spring. i need to get my ass in gear and reapply. i just need to do something satisfying with my life... school is a lot of work and makes me crazy but at least i feel like im working towards something. now that i know i have pretty much no opportunities for advancement at work (other than taking on new responsibilities which i will not be compensated for], i need something that gives me hope. shawn is working hard to get out of debt and i feel kinda lazy... i feel like i need to be working towards some kind of betterment. he is planning on going back to school eventually and then perhaps after that opening his own comic book store... wouldnt that be awesome if we had a store together?

    ok, now i need to take a shower and go get some lunch... now do i want mcdonalds chicken selects or chipotle or something else...? god damn why i am i hungry for buffalo wings every day?? it is a hunger that can never be satisfied!!

    omg, so i got the new issue of bust, and in it there is a cup and saucer which reads:
    "i love you more than zombies love brains."
    this is absolutely the most perfect thing to describe me and shawn :)

    Sexy Desktop #37:
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    SG Nixon.
    Monday, October 22nd, 2007
    12:09 am
    bleeding hearts
    so, i think im in love with shawn and i dont know how to tell him. i want to. i wanted to wait for him to say it first, but now... i think im sure that i love him, and constantly while im with him i want to tell him, so i think maybe i should just do it. ive never been nervous about it before. ive always just said it. not afraid, when i felt it, just said it.

    but this one, this one i really dont want to fuck up. i want shawn to be it. i want to do this right. i want it to last. i want to do it right... so i wanted to wait, but i dont think i can wait anymore, because every time im around him, every time i look at him, i just want to tell him that i love him.

    its weird. ive been in love a lot. ive been in love with a lot of guys, girls too. when i first started dating shawn i thought, here we go again. this always happens.

    like ive been fooled again and again. my heart and my emotions tricking me, taking me places i dont want to go.

    but this is different. shawn is different. i want to have this feeling for the rest of my life.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    im sure ive posted this before, but thats my boy. yes hes nerdy, but god, i am such a sucker for it.

    Sexy Desktop #36:
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    "Concrete Box 3" by matthew burgess aka funkyhorror (who is VERY foxy in his own right, i shall post a pic of him sometime).
    model is the lovely cherubicka again.
    Monday, October 15th, 2007
    1:26 am
    reversal of fortune
    the tattoo will have to wait another two weeks... i went a little nuts at walmart every day this weekend for some reason... damn that addictive megacorperation! its like that episode of south park, i just end up wandering zombified into walmart every night, not knowing why im there, but finding all sorts of insane, irresistable deals.

    damn lisa edelstein can be so adorable sometimes.

    and i just exclaimed out loud "HA CHASEY-CHASE!"

    such a dork.

    seriously, i bought these camel signature infused cigarettes, and they are SO STRONG. like they must be regular, not light, because it feels like smoking marlboro reds. ahhh lung death.

    so i also found myself also at cd warehouse, maybe not so accidentally, and found all sorts of good shit:

    Lost Season 1 [which jed informed me "i dont care if you have to sell a kidney, do whatever you have to to see this"]
    Johnny Mnemonic
    Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
    Ergo Proxy volume 1 [this was mine, i bought it back]
    Descendants of Darkness volume 4 [also mine]
    The Animatrix [possibly mine, they had two copies]
    Witch Hunter Robin volume 1

    quite a haul! $82, not bad considering how much i got. i really shouldnt have spent that much, but damn it feels good to build up my dvd collection again. my mom considers dvds frivolous but... it matters to me somehow. i love media. like buying a book is never a waste of money, i feel the same about dvds (well, most of them... some mistakes happen when i used to get those $5/25 vhs tapes at hollywood video... thats how i ended up with, oh: the order, metroland, tangled, and VAMPIRE CLAN [LOLOLOLOL omg i need to have shawn watch that CRAP PILE OF FILM]). needless. dvds are good. i want to have many. i feel bad i sold so many... my rack was full, then i sold so much, about $600 of anime, a bunch of good movies. now ive filled up about 2 1/2 of my three shelves.

    when is veronica mars season three coming out? ... [checks amazon] ooh, october 23rd. yays. even though it was a crap season, i think. i did miss a few episodes, including the finale.

    and season three of grays anatomy? ooh, october 16th. do i even want that? i sold seasons one and two. i was very disinterested in season three, for the most part, except for the ferry crash episodes, and im not even going to watch season 4. maybe not. i do kind of want to see sarah ramirez as chief. hoTT. but i think i will refuse to watch season four unless sandra oh cuts her hair. seriously. im sick of the humongous curly hair. im sick of ALL the female leads [except bailey] having long hair. CUT IT. seriously. im not talking me short, but like... shoulder length?! is that so radical?

    aww... according to imdb's "why we love sandra oh":
    "Because she's broken open the mold for Asian actors stuck in martial-arts or lotus-blossom roles by nabbing color-blind plumb parts. Because if the key to acting is reacting, she'd land in a master class by herself with one priceless expression. Because she's been the gem of every role, from kids' movies to indies to television. Because now, with an award-winning part on Grey's Anatomy, America is finally discovering what Canada has known all along: This Ottawa-born Korean has talent to spare."

    i wish she had a bigger part. it looks like katherine heigl is the new grey's darling.

    wow: "Yup, that was her in Under the Tuscan Sun: As the pregnant, lesbian friend of Frances (Diane Lane) who goes to live with her in an Italian villa. Her lesbian lover in Under the Tuscan Sun was played by Kate Walsh, who now co-stars with her as Dr. Addison Shepherd on Grey's Anatomy."

    zomg orgasm.

    and i sleep: never. i need to get my sleep schedule a little more normalized, but thats seriously never going to happen... shawn's starting a new job, 5AM monday-friday. which means he has to get up at 3 every day. generally the plan is for me to go over every night at 11 or whenever hes going to go to bed, sleep with him til he gets up at 3, then go home and sleep until 12 when i have to get up for work. thats going to fuck me up probably... but i want it to work, because i love sleeping next to him, more than ive enjoyed sleeping next to anybody. he's the only person ive ever been able to sleep with, face to face, touching, actually... holding each other. he just fits... perfectly. its weird.

    Sexy Desktop #35:
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    SG Cain (woooo nipple!).
    Sunday, October 14th, 2007
    3:40 am
    juke joint jezebel
    mm. i keep wanting to write a blog about how happy i am, but there isnt much to say that isnt sappy and embarrassing, so i will spare you. there is lots of cuddling involved. and ninja warrior.

    im going to old town tattooo tomorrow to make an appointment to FINALLY get my sandman tattoo! shawn was nice enough to pick me up another copy of 'dream hunters' so i can get my tattoo now (its from the centerfold). im SO EXCITED. and its going to make me very, very broke as i have not saved for it, or even held back my spending from the paycheck i got yesterday so... broke. though i did not buy anything from lane bryant this paycheck so the tattoo will take the place of the money i normally spend on clothes. though i have spent a shitton of money at walmart so far... but... HOUSE SEASON THREE! needed! and then... makeup...

    anyways. tattoo. then ramen for two weeks, whee! but i will have dream on my arm, sexified and badass, and that is all that matters. i havent gotten a tattoo in almost two years! promethea was a gift from jed so... it'll be nice to get another one, on my own dollar, symbolizing a lot of things for me right now.

    so yeah. thats about all thats new. two of my hermit crabs have died :( sylar died just a few hours ago. i held him earlier, and when i came back tonight he was dead. *tears* if only he had taken claire's power, he would still be alive!! *nerd*

    im taking over paperwork, scheduling and HR at work, which is really satisfying for me. kind of odd that i enjoy those things. i always said i was a glorified secretary for the way i constantly answer the phone... i might as well be doing more of that shit.

    yaaays. so happy about shawn. maybe there will be gushing later.

    Sexy Desktop #34:
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    SG Anemona.
    Sunday, October 7th, 2007
    1:36 pm
    the long hard road
    i have started updating Rapture Diaries, my writing journal again. there are lots of nonfiction pieces about my interesting summer. please take a look?

    gonna be gone tonight and tomorrow. going to my moms house tonight to chat/do laundry, and then to my grandparents in new ulm for my grandmas 77th birthday tomorrow. i think shawn was sad that i wasnt going to be around... aww. we had a good night last night, cuddling and watching anime. blood+ omg!! and touching shawn is literal bliss.

    Sexy Desktop #33:
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    SG Joseph.
    Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
    2:03 am
    sounds like murder
    my oh my sylar, that is one sexy cardigan you have on.

    Sexy Desktop #32:
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    SG Barbie. yeah, who knew i would be attracted to a blond named barbie? but c'mon... pink!
    Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
    11:09 pm
    seasons dont fear the reaper
    i took many blurry, out of focus pictures of my hermit crabs.

    See?Collapse )

    omfg watching so much heroes... mohinder... sylar... peter... i think im dying of the hottness.

    every year around halloween-time i think about making a halloween mix, and then i end up listening to my sandman mix and realizing its pretty much the same thing.
    3:43 am
    bang bang
    awwwww... shawn is making me crazy. that boy... im nuts about him. i like him so much. i feel so comfortable around him, and the sex has gotten a LOT better, and i dont ever want to stop touching him...

    its just really, really insanely good. and i hope it lasts. i hope it turns into something better.

    Sexy Desktop #31:
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    SG Opaque.
    Monday, October 1st, 2007
    7:12 pm
    i got my hermit crabs! i bought 6 of them, two really big ones, two medium sized and two small. names are: teshimine, horatio, lora, sylar, zodiac and chieko. awww they are adorable. all are purple pinchers except chieko, shes some kind of ecuadorian crab according to shawn. she's tiny and pink and EXTREMELY adorable <3 teshimine is the biggest, he is a beast but kind of shy and slow. horatio and lora are shit-starters, they are very active and push the other ones around a bit. horatio is the only one to have pinched me. zodiac is small and shy and a sweetheart, as much as a crab can be. sylar is mysterious, like his namesake. he's a little... hermity, but when you take him out he's very active and likes to be held.

    i love them! ive spent waaaay too much money on them so far, but i love hobbies like this.

    things are good with shawn... just good. very good. im going over tonight to make him salmon.

    thats all... i need to run to petco quick to get more sand, before heroes starts.

    Sexy Desktop #30:
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    SG Vesper, one of my favorites.
    Sunday, September 30th, 2007
    12:37 pm
    had a good time last night with shawn... i invited him to my friend misty's wedding, and he was gracious enough to go with me even though i think its a little early for us to be doing stuff like that. i mean, we're not even officially dating so its a little weird for him to be my "date" to something. but he wanted to go and i was super excited for it. i bought a really cute, 70s style red and black dress from target
    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
    [looks way different on me]
    with my little red chain purse, my black platforms. so cute. did my hair black with plum bangs. HOTT.

    i went out and bought shawn a few presents for coming with me... really just an excuse to buy him cute clothes. hes so skinny, has such a fantastic little body, he needs tiny tee shirts!! clothes are finally being made for skinny guys, theres no excuse anymore for wearing too-big shirts. so i bought him some cute tees from target... one with koi on it, and one with a crest that says 'honor among theives.' he loved them, espcially the theives one :D

    now to get him cute dress shirts... he needs pinstripes, STAT. we'll will make an emo out of him yet.

    must resist the urge to dress him like jed. am i dressing him like jed, or do i make every guy over into the same person? is that good, or bad? im building an emo boy armada.

    so we went... stopped at my parents house and very briefly introduced him. i feel a little guilty for bringing yet another new guy home. every one i proclaim "this one is really special, you'll love him!" with jordan, it was over two weeks later. its getting ridiculous. but i cant help it... they really ARE all special. shawn is. i dont know about this one. he might be the real deal. i feel that way sometimes, when i look at those fine lines around his eyes... when he closes his eyes for me, and i know he trusts me.

    is it the trust im addicted to? selfishly provoking these reactions in people to gratify myself? or is it really HIM that makes me feel this way?

    he IS special. we are good together, i think.

    anyways... god damn i love heroes. splurged and bought season one even though i probably cant afford it. ive done a lot of splurging this paycheck. oh well. i dont regret it! zomg, so in love with mohinder. didnt realize how much i missed him, but omg is he gorgeous!! want some...

    another indulgence... im going to be getting hermit crabs, probably today. across the hall from lane bryant is coachhouse gifts, and they sell hermit crabs. i find it appalling... those poor things, overcrowded in a little tank, and its open so they can be picked up, poked and prodded all day. ive always felt so bad for them. but a girl started at LB that also works there, and she's been single-handedly trying to rescue as many as she can... shes told me a lot about caring for them and it sounds great, a good substitute for rats. it turns out that shawn's best friend is a huge hermit crab buff, he has tons of them and even has written a care guide. so shawn got me some info, and im going to get my habitat set up today and go get the crabs today or tomorrow. exciting! sarah, the girl from coachhouse, bought some more a few days ago and brought the box over to show me... they're so cute! they do so many interesting things, i think they will be really fun to watch. yay! i need a new hobby.

    so those are my plans... also tonight im going to mongos [mongolian BBQ] with amy and sandra, my LB girls. should be super fun. i invited shawn but he has to work until 730... he works down in minnetonka, at toys r us. he only has a few days left before he starts his new job at home depot, doing office stuff. thats one of the things i like about him actually... we both work in retail management, which is nice in a few ways: he understands how much it sucks, we can relate about the coworkers and the customers, the hard work for little pay. and like me he is overqualified for the job [he has a marketing degree], would rather be doing what he's passionate about but its so hard to get that off the ground. we're both sort of stuck right now, the dreams and plans on hold while we get out of debt and get our shit together. after being with jed, so ambitious, everything always working out for him, its nice to be with someone that life sort of sucks for right now. and shawn's four years older than me, with an actual completely degree, so it definately makes me feel better about not having it all together right now.

    did i mention that we have the same birthday? i just found that out last night... february 15th, both of us. him in 1980, me in 1984. its just weird. there's something about him...

    but i say that about everyone, dont i? maybe its just me, falling in love with everyone i meet. maybe its my pagan-ness, feeling connections everywhere. maybe its real. i dont know. i have learned that when i feel this way, when im not sure if what im feeling is real, that i should just wait it out, enjoy the butterflies but wait it out. see what happens. but dont play all my cards. for gods sake, dont tell him that i love him if im not sure.

    just enjoy.

    Sexy Desktop #29:
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    SG Cianuro.
    Friday, September 28th, 2007
    11:36 pm
    textually active
    a conversation:

    me: Hm. I did something stupid that i knew was wrong and now karma is kicking my ass. But its ok.
    shawn: What did you do?
    me: ashamed to admit to u that i drove to alexandria to hook up with a guy. And he appears to have stood me up. Im an idiot in so many ways.
    shawn: Don't worry about it ok :)
    me: Before i left i was crying because he was making me feel like a total whore, & i didnt know if i should go, but i went anyway. & he was obviously fucking with me. Wish i didnt do this to myself. i am more fucked up than u know. I dont want to end up hurting u. I have hurt many people that i care about.
    shawn: We have never said we were exclusive so don't worry about it. although you seem to get more offers than i :P i'm sorry you were stood up thats just tactless.
    shawn: Trust your instincts they will usually lead you true. just let this be a learning experience and be better for it :) plus if you need a good fuck call me :)
    me: I know it is too soon to worry about those things. Im just freaking out. I care about u a lot even tho we r not serious. I wish i knew what i wanted.
    shawn: Believe me it will be very very very very very hard to fuck me over worse than kari did i've got some really thick skin now. so like i said, don't fret too much :)
    shawn: You are not the ony one who doesn't know what they want i'm in the same boat. let's just enjoy ourselves and let what may come come. i've spent way too many years worrying about stuff and can tell you it will ruin a life faster than you can imagine. thats one reason i'm leaving toys r us.
    shawn: What are you doing tomorrow night?
    me: Working til 930, nothing after
    shawn: Want to come over? we can play a video game or maybe a board game or something. you know, just relax :)
    me: U should come to my apt. I need to be in my element I think.
    shawn: Ok you will have to get me the address. send it to my myspace so i can map quest it tomorrow when i get home from work :)

    some time later...
    shawn: Hey are you ok? i don't want to go to bed with you still upset :)
    me: Im ok, thanks. Go to bed hun :)

    *sigh* he is a keeper, im afraid. things have escalated. this happened... the next night, he came over: i made us tacos, we watched 300, i showed him my warcraft characters. then he knelt beside my desk and for i dont know how long, ten, fifteen minutes, i ran my fingers through his hair, touched his temples, his hairline, his brow, the fine lines at the corners of his eyes that i love. he closed his eyes and smiled a bit and nearly purred. it was really incredible. then we went in the bedroom and laid for a while and talked, but he had to get up early for work so he had to go... it was the first time since our first date that we had spent time together without having sex. there was an awkward moment when he was standing up to leave and we both realized that, and he apologuised, and i said no, its reassuring actually, that we can hang out without having sex. that its not just about that. that we enjoy each other's company. that there's something more. thats a little scary, and wonderful.

    and last night. he made me dinner. we watched ninja warrior. we had sex, and i dont know if i mentioned this earlier, but sex with shawn has been slightly unsatisfying. it's okay, but after jordan and jed it was just... it's just that i'm used to AMAZING. im used to big, screaming, crazy sex. and it has just been... okay. good enough. you know. but then last night... we did something different, and then, suddenly, we were both coming simultaneously, and he made noise finally, and it was amazing.

    and you realize every day that you cross another line, and you cant go back, and its scary. and wonderful.

    Sexy Desktop #28:
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    SG Edea.
    Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
    10:29 pm
    40 boys in 40 nights
    dont ask me why ive been so neglectful, not updating even though ive had my internet back for two weeks. i think its my medication, it makes it SO HARD for me to focus on something. the idea of typing up a huge "what i did this summer" entry just seems impossible. should my meds make me feel that way? im taking lexapro right now.

    my summer in three photos:Collapse )

    just got called to perkins. holla.

    Sexy Desktop #27:

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    SG Elly.
    Thursday, June 28th, 2007
    6:06 pm
    so i'm moving tomorrow to an apartment two blocks away from where i live now. it's a nice little one bedroom. its so adorable and im sure i'll love it. im really excited. this is just a quick note to let everyone know that i wont have internet for maybe two weeks. possibly longer (but god, i hope not). im going to miss my internets so bad!!

    things are actually going pretty good right now. yesterday i saw jed for the first time since friday night. i was at the apartment packing while he was at work, and he came home unexpectedly at 12:30. we sat down and had a talk. he confessed to me that he had actually cheated on me sometime last year when we were having problems. i was pretty stunned. i never would have guessed it in a million years. it was with an older woman he had met on the internet, and it was really bad apparently. he asked me a lot of questions about the guys i slept with. he said he had been missing me a lot and didnt think he could make a clean break like he was intending to. we had both been listening to the same nine inch nails song, 'zero sum,' this whole time. we ended our conversation well.

    when i got home i sent him a text telling him that it was good to talk to him again, but also really hard to be around him. he agreed. then we talked on the phone for a long time. we decided that we cant have a relationship again because we cant trust each other, but that we want to still be friends and want to still have sex with each other from time to time. next time being reletively soon. we're still really attracted to each other, we have such good chemistry, it just seems so strange to throw it all away. so im excited about that. i stayed up half the night sending dirty texts to him.

    argh... i need to finish packing, and im starving. well, so long for a while, livejournal.
    Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
    11:07 pm
    god have mercy on our dirty little hearts
    so, the logical choice, as my mom pointed out, for a place for me to live would be with my friend amy, as i spend lots of time with her and she lives in little falls which is only about 30 minutes from st cloud where i will be working. we also have very complimentary lifestyles (ie we're both whores), which, i find while simply STAYING at my parents house when they arent here, my parents and i do not.

    i had not asked amy about moving in together when jed and i talked about splitting up a few weeks ago because i really do want my own place. i want no further roommate disasters. amy is a bit TOO much of a whore, and i dont like the idea of having strange men in my house all the time (and i dont mean just one at a time, i mean like a half dozen). it really seems like a bad idea.

    but beggars can't be choosers! i also called my mom and told her that i need to find a new place in a week and she in no way offered to let me stay at their house. she kept asking me where i was going to stay, if i knew anybody. she suggested amy. the problem with that is that amy is moving out of her apartment at the end of june, which is in... exactly one week! she's half packed up and everything, and is moving back in with HER parents. i can only assume its for money reasons (she's been unemployed for a few months, and only about a week ago started her new job).

    but she has a nice two bedroom and everything...

    so i texted her today and asked if she would consider staying at her apartment if she could split the rent with me. she said she would, but she didnt know if they had rented the apartment out or not. i begged a little and she said she'd call on monday and find out if they had... so 50/50 chance i might have a new, convenient place to live in a week! im really thinking that no one is moving in... she didnt mention anyone touring her apartment or anything. its a small, out of the way older apartment, filled mostly with old people. honestly i cant see a lot of demand for people to live there. i really hope it works out! i would really like to not be homeless. and also live somewhere where it would be okay for me to drink and bring boys home and whatnot.

    so, fingers crossed! its going to drive me nuts to have to wait until monday to find out. regardless, bless amy for being so nice and agreeing to let me live there. xoxo.
    1:30 pm
    game over: just zeroes and ones
    so, post-playdate last night, i sat on the couch for a while and ate ice cream and watched friday night stand up on comedy central like every other lonely person. i went to bed around midnight. jed came home shortly after, and he came in and talked to me for awhile, and everything was cool. he was still wide awake so he went to play some warcraft and i went back to sleep.

    are you sensing the ominous foreboding here?

    like 2:30 in the morning, he flings the door open and demands to know 'what i've been doing.' i was like 'uhhhh nothing.' *sleepy* he told me that my AIM kept going off, so he turned on my monitor to see what was going on and read the tail end of my last conversation with kasey, which was like "are you sure your boyfriend wont be coming home? do you have condoms? anything special you want to try?"


    i just laid there, stunned, until he walked out. he went for a drive or something. i sort of fell back asleep, and when i woke up i thought, 'did that really just happen? did my relationship with jed really just end?' and then i thought, 'shit, i better get out of here before he gets back.' because you just never know. you never really know if someone is going to go nuts and beat the crap out of you. so i threw shit in a bag, and called amy. just as i was walking out the door, jed came home. he told me he wants me out by the end of next week. that's all we said. so i went and met amy at her friend's house in st cloud (who is, coincidentally, the nicest guy i've ever seen her hang out with, and the only one she's not sleeping with. what is it about the bad ones?). hung out with them for a while and tried to get over the initial shock. then drove out to my parents house at 5 this morning.

    jesus christ. i dont know what the fuck just happened. now i have no job, no boyfriend, and no place to live. i havent gotten around yet to explaining everything to my mom (its really embarrassing to tell your mom that you got caught cheating on your boyfriend) or asked them if i can live with them for a while. i really dont think she could turn me down, but... i dont think she will be pleased about it either. well, my dad is really the one im worried about. he's always saying how he wants to cut me off completely. moving home is really not a step in that direction. well, actually it is... this is really the only way i'll be able to save the money to get my own place. it will probably happen much sooner this way, without having to pay rent on my old place. i can probably have enough for the downpayment/first month's rent by the end of august.

    OH GOD that's a long time to live at home. and commute to st cloud for work. so im trying to debate getting a job in st cloud or one around here. there is NO WHERE to work around here. elk river, which is 20 minutes away, has a bunch of restaurants and some crappy stores. i would like to NOT work at walmart though. i really want my job back at lane bryant. god i should have done that weeks ago.

    in addition to all this shit, i still havent told my mom that i quit at penneys. ive been making up fake work schedules for her for the last three weeks. now i have to make up fake schedules AND drive to st cloud and pretend to be at work for chunks of four hours. killing time and doing nothing.

    i believe this is what's called "a tangled web of lies."

    lying always gets me in SO MUCH TROUBLE. why do i do it? why am i addicted to lying?

    anyways. my parents are out of town today, and tomorrow i actually have a date, so i dont need to pretend to be at work for those days. monday i can get my job back at lane bryant and then have ACTUAL work to go to. i might get a second job too, to save extra money. because i dont want to be here anymore than i have to. it will just be better for everyone.

    as long as my parents are cool with me staying here, everything is pretty much fine. its all dealable. i dont mind living here for a while as long as i have a job and things to do. and then in two months i can have my own apartment and everything will be where i want it to be.

    i dont even really want to talk about jed right now. my feelings on what i did. his reactions. im not ready to deal with it. i cant really think about it. its a little too awful.

    i dont even want to start talking about regrets. i cant even think about that right now.
    Friday, June 22nd, 2007
    1:45 am
    then i make him bleed!
    yaaaaay i found the okcupid quiz i was looking for! i thought i'd better do it again as my experience/attitudes have SIGNIFICANTLY changed.

    i am:
    The Wild Rose
    Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

    shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

    Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

    You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

    Your exact female opposite:
    The Dirty Little Secret

    Deliberate Gentle Sex Master
    The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

    "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

    ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM)

    CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM).

    Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.
    Thursday, June 21st, 2007
    3:51 pm
    our little secret
    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
    by distortionred (finally an opportunity to use this hott sandra oh banner!)

    many of my entries are now friends locked. this was a tough decision for me. i always wanted to be open and honest online about my life, but sometimes that just isnt possible. people have been uncool.

    a lot of my entries are still public. but the really juicy ones are not, so to get the dirt, comment and i will add you!

    Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
    4:13 pm
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